Today (and yesterday and the day before) has been one of those days where just about anything can completely undo me. When it first started happening, I chalked it up to a bad day. Then it started happening every day, so I couldn’t really rationalize it the same way each time. Now I’m hoping it’s seasonal. I really don’t want to wait another 2+ months to find out if I’m right or wrong though. :)
It’s hard to feel, day after day, like you’re not living the life you’d dreamt of when you were growing up and making those plans in your daydreams. I’ve always trusted that life would just work out; that God has a plan for me. I still believe this, but at some point you have to realize that you are responsible for your actions, and you’re the one making your own decisions – nobody else. You can’t blame your unhappiness on your job, your financial situation, your “stuck-in-a-rut-ness” without accepting that you’re the one at the helm.
Life is like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books from our youth (I’m sure most of you reading this know what I’m talking about - my fave by far was Vampire Express) – YOU’RE the one deciding which page to turn to. The only difference is, it’s not as easy to turn back and start a new adventure.
So, this is where my currently fragile state is stemming from – the feeling that I’ve made some bad decisions along the way and cannot undo them. (Classic questions in my daily rotation include: Why didn’t I save instead of spend? Why am I not the writer that I always thought I’d become?!) Deep down, I know it’s not too late. I’m 32, my ship has NOT sailed. But at the same time, there is this tick-tocking that persists in the back of my mind and my heart when I think about the life I’ve always dreamed of and the less attractive parallel universe, aka REAL LIFE.
Here’s the part where I’m supposed to rally and tell you that I know I can still be the person I’ve always wanted to be. I can still have that house in Northport with my loving husband and 2 healthy kids AND a job I don’t dread, but the truth is that lately, I feel like these dreams are becoming more and more just that – DREAMS. Reality is much less technicolor and the light at the end of the tunnel is shrinking. The tunnel is getting longer and longer.
I know, I know - optimism can go a long way. I’ve been told to read The Secret, which is all about the power of positive thinking. And yes, I do believe this, and how long can I host this pity party of one, but positivity is not going to get my bills paid and get me out of my mother-in-law’s basement any sooner. Is it?
I feel like I’m losing, but it doesn’t mean I’m lost (thank you, Coldplay) and I am not afraid to admit I need help. I have plenty of reminders of my blessings – from the extra cuddles from my nieces and nephews to inspiring conversations with old friends, to a loving glance from my parents to a gentle, knowing kiss from Dan – I have not forgotten my blessings. In fact, it’s those little reminders that nudge me out of bed in the morning on my worst days, and keep me laughing and smiling on my better days.
Here’s to more laughter.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
