Monday, May 17, 2010

Let It Be

Not only am I listening to that classic Beatles song right now, but it’s also clearly been the “theme” for my blog over the last 2 months… I haven’t written a damn THING.  So much for being a prolific blogger.

Deep down, I’m just your standard tortured writer.  I’m only truly moved to put pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to keyboard) when I’m mad, sad or wallowing in some sort of angst or turmoil.

Today, it’s kind of a crazy mix of all of the above.  You might as well stop here if you’re not in the mood for another installment of “why ME?!” because that’s the bumpy road I’m trudging down today.  Let me preface by saying that I know I’m blessed.  I know I am blessed with family, friends, health, and much more, but I just wish my current circumstances were different.  It’s getting really, really hard to handle the persistent creep of my mid-thirties while there are many things hanging in limbo on my “To Do” list of life.  I’m not talking about a Bucket List filled with pipe dreams such as “take a 3-week cruise to the Galapagos”  or “lasso wild horses in New Mexico” but definitely more along the lines of a “Sooooo, How Are Those Lifelong Career/Family/Home Goals Workin’ Out For Ya?!” kind of list.   I don’t even feel like I’m at a stand-still anymore, I feel like I’ve actually started to move BACKWARDS. 

I’m in a new division at work; I’m now the National Account Executive for our IT Consulting Division and there’s a pretty big learning curve.  I don’t mind that so much, in fact, it’s good to challenge your mind and learn new things so I’m ok with that.  But, in case you haven’t been living on PLANET EARTH for the last 2 years, the economy is still not in any shape to be spending money willy nilly, so of course, business is challenging to put it mildly.  A lot of people are in this boat and I know I’m not alone, but I keep hearing about the staffing heyday (a mere 5 years ago) when  commissions were sky-high and companies were much more open to using an outside firm to support their hiring needs. Now it’s a challenge just to get an appointment to MEET a potential client. Guess you could say that once again, my timing was just perfect (where’s that sarcasm font when ya need it?!) I think I can actually recall our great country’s financial collapse coincide precisely with the moment I changed my Outlook auto-signature to “Account Executive" back in 2008.

This too shall pass, right?  I know.  I really do.  But it often requires a great deal of strength just to wake up and be optimistic about the day ahead, unless that day is Saturday or Sunday.  Is it too much to ask to really love what you do for a living - what you spend a sickeningly large part of your LIFE doing??  I was telling Dan just today – most of the people I know who truly love their jobs are teachers.  You really HAVE to love being a teacher to put up with 15-20 of other people’s kids. 

There’s fire in my belly; I have a passion in there but it hasn’t been tapped and it’s in danger of sputtering out.  I want to feel like I’m REALLY GOOD at something, not just getting by to pay the bills and eek my way through life (thanks, Lloyd Christmas a la Dumb & Dumber inspirational monologue).

Newsflash - I also want a family.  Sometimes I want it so badly it hurts, other times I still genuinely appreciate and cherish my sweet freedom. But more often than not, I long for a little child to love and nurture and marvel at.   And it is not a decision to take lightly, to throw caution to the wind and say “oh well we’re broke and can barely manage our own lives but SO WHAT?!  We’ll find a way.”  That is too scary for me.   At the very least, I need a solid home (whether we own it or not, personally, is of little importance to me. I just want a HOME to call my OWN!) and a little nest stashed away for those 3AM doctor visits and family trips to Lake George.  I’m not high maintenance.  I don’t require a $50,000 SUV or crown moulding.  I just don’t want to feel like I’m doing the doggie paddle in the middle of a stormy ocean.

Thank you for letting me vent.  I actually feel a little better. I guess I’ll just keep plugging along, praying to God for guidance and reflecting on this:

“And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, LET IT BE.”
  - The Beatles

PV_sunset 
Sunset over the Sierra Madre mountains,  Mexico 2007

1 comment:

  1. You are totally not alone in the whole job thing. You're too damn creative to just sit at a nine to five all day. I hope one day you can break free from that and soar because you're a fine writer.

    And never apologize for a bitchfest. Sure we all know that someone out there has it worse than us but so what? Are we never supposed to feel sorry for ourselves? Are we always supposed to be positive and happy? If we have the capability to have the emotion I say HAVE IT! Wallow away! because sometimes wallowing does make you feel better. I'm glad you got it out through writing. It's a wonderful tool to have.

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