In Repair

It’s been longer than I care to admit.  

Quite often, the ultimate inspiration for a brooding writer is a good tragedy (or at least, a tragedy in their mind), but sometimes when life deals a low hand, a so-called writer loses all motivation.  Let’s just say I fall into the latter category.  No more.  After weeks of attempting to get this started again, I’ve finally had enough of my own procrastination (thank you Tara for being a force that blows open my window, lets in a good gust of truth, and ignites the fire once again).

A lot has changed since May of 2010 when I posted my last entry.  Why sugarcoat it?  I got divorced, I lost my job, I moved back home with my parents, and I found that things actually CAN get worse just when you think you’ve hit bottom.  But guess what?  They can also get a lot better too.  2010-2011 has been a year of introspection and humility.  For the most part, I’ve forgiven myself for the mistakes I’ve made, but I’ve lost some of the courage of my convictions.  I’m a writer, why won’t I write? I look, but fail to leap. I love, but what am I afraid of?

I think everyone has a shadow of a dream when they are young, a glimpse at what they hope to achieve in life, and for the lucky few, these dreams are wholly realized.  The majority, maybe they’re lucky enough to grasp parts of that dream and be content.  I am in a state of restlessness, slow transition and lately, impatience.   On my worst days, I feel like I am “waiting in line for something I’m never going to get” (original quote by Janice Searles in good ol’ college) and on my more optimistic days, I still feel like there are so many paths my life can take, that my fate is not sealed, so to speak. It’s a constant battle inside - positive vs. negative - and I’m tired of the fight. I just want the good guys to win.

Here’s to inspiration… to write, to stop being afraid of failure, to remember how to take the plunge.  I mean, isn’t everything in life that’s worth having, also worth the risk of losing?

To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily.  To not dare is to lose oneself.  ~ Soren Kierkegaard

I’m in repair / I’m not together but I’m getting there ~ John Mayer